genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Incredible customer service.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Breaking news:
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.