Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
he was correct
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.