Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Most fashion shows these days…

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal