Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points