Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

All is fair in drunk and war.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel