Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.