Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

me to God

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it