genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Perfect.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!