Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?