Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help