Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.