Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Oh hi lol

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever