Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave