Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.