Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.