Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Why soy sad?

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

😆

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks