SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
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Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
me: I’m gonna work from home today