@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

You Might Also Like

@rockymomax

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

@Dr_awfulpants

Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.

@John_M15

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@NicestHippo

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
“No!”
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
“Indiana”
[jury gasps]

@pilau

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait