genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

You Might Also Like


My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”


Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail


is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies


“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins


Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies


Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”


In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing


My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.