@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

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@cee_ryan

My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”

@spacej_me

Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@gringothespice

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.