Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.