Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

bro what is going on at twitter