Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I don’t get marriage