Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Got him!

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it