Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

my favorite gender

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.