Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

When you kidnap a writer.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.