Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I’m aging like a fine banana
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?