@mommajessiec
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
@tweetsbyrocket
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
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@mommajessiec
@AntozWolf
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
@ThaJawn
*skips away in terror
@JoeRegular4
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
@junejuly12
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
@ProZD
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
@thenatewolf
Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
@jenyb4
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
@Coastiefish
Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.
It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.
@AteSomeClowns
Just ordered some cops for my neighbours.