@longwall26
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
@tweetsbyrocket
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
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@longwall26
@AGreaterMonster
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
@bellicosejason
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
@VancityReynolds
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
@abbycohenwl
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
@JustDontBugMe
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
@NeverEnd88
My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.
@TwinSurvivalist
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
@mattsurely
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
@yenniwhite
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.