The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*skips away in terror
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.
It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.
Just ordered some cops for my neighbours.