*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
You Might Also Like
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.