genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal


Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.


last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong


The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.


Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.