@tweetsbyrocket

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

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@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

@AntozWolf

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@JoeRegular4

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

@junejuly12

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

@ProZD

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

@jenyb4

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.