Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.