Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met