Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.