Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.


My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.


I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”


17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?


When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings


I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.