Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
August 8
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
they really do be looking like this