Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

Coffee is ready.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Did I do this right

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.