If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
reviewed some movies recently
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.