Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant