Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

The Assassin.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”