Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me