Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*