Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

My current situation

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

it was love at first sight

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream