Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for