Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Matthew was born for this.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

“How stressed are you?”

Me: