Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

broke down and did it

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

⛄️

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house