Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

as is their right

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”