Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

I’m not lazy

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)