Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?