@Reverend_Scott

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

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@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

@squirrel74wkgn

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

@Dunn_Right

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@HoldinCoffeeld

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

@MeatloafComedy

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.