Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”


My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.


Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying


Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”


Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*


My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???


When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.


Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.