@Reverend_Scott

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

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@LostFelicia

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

@Vishj05

Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.

@drankturpentine

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep