Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.