Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
What’s the point buying it then?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
there’s music for literally every activity
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.