Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.