Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs