Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait