Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
handsome & gretel
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Raisins are grape jerky.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
