Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My plans: 2020:
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Bringing home a sharpie
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not