Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx