Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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#damn
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
i want to work in this restaurant
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂