The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people