@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

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@online_shawn

Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her

@prufrockluvsong

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

@FilthyRichmond

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@jonnysun

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

@DanMentos

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

@shutupmikeginn

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

@AaronMichael_

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.