@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

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@BegoniaLuv

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

@shutupmikeginn

I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@Mostly_Cheese

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@LifeUnPinterest

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@DvuslyMarvelous

Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

@English_Channel

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳