I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape