Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

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Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her


[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey


The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees


ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing


[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry


Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.