Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You Might Also Like
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly