@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

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@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music

@Sara_Rose_G

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

@Doug_Exeter

*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@IamEnidColeslaw

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@BuckyIsotope

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people