Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.