Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No