Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

I unironically love this joke.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Schrödinger’s cookie

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go