Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

neighborhood watch

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

🖤✌🏽

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

🤣

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful