[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Every
Single
Year
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Morning my dudes.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.