[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.