Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.