WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“The first mechanic lied to you”
– Every 2nd opinion mechanic
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or