Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly


Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt


[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?


When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station


My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.


*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*


What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us


It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!


[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.


“The first mechanic lied to you”

– Every 2nd opinion mechanic


Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or