Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged