Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.