Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?