Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

😭😭😭

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Weirdly Wednesday.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

The cashier just checked me out.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.