genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay