genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!