Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
#inspiration #foodforthought
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
