Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
i- i did not expect this
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
2 years later
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
🤣😂
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon