Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

President The Rock Obama

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.