Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

lost dog

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Yes my dude

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.